Danny Katz on Footy commentators

[Ghost Dog]

Talk about annoying: take away their pens and TV footy blokes are nothing

TV footy commentator is the guy who talks on TV while the footy game is going. He is kind of like your annoying mate who comes around sometimes to watch the footy with you and never shuts up. But at least your mate leaves the room now and then to go to the toilet or refill the bowl of Sweet Chilli Grain Waves - the TV footy commentator-guy doesn't go to the toilet and doesn't bring Grain Waves and you would never invite him to your house.
The main job of the TV footy commentator is watching the game and describing what's happened, but it's stuff you already know because you are watching the game too. If a player takes a mark then kicks the ball really far, the TV footy commentator will say something like, ''And he just took a mark and now he kicked it really far'', just in case you doubted your own eyes.
A footy commentator is really just a professional undoubter and he gets paid hundreds of thousands a year to do that.
TV footy commentators often sit on panels together and talk about the game, so they are like a bunch of blokes at a barbecue having a friendly chat, but they all wear ill-fitting black suits so it is like a barbecue for someone who just died. They also do a weird thing with their eyes where they keep glancing away at the camera in the middle of conversations: it comes across as rude, like they are at a party and they are looking round for someone more interesting to talk to, or looking for the platter of dumplings served in a Chinese spoon.
Advertisement
There is a strict hierarchy on a TV footy commentating panel: sitting in the middle are the veterans who have done it for ages so they do most of the talking and everyone else has to nod their heads like it's fascinating. On either side of the veterans are the second-in-command: they are middle-aged ex-players and their specialty is stats and growing moustaches. On the outer reaches of the panel are the young up-and-comers who have strange shaggy hairstyles: they will one day grow a moustache and move up the hierarchy, but for now they just sit quietly and twiddle their pens to show they're awake. Sometimes a woman commentator will join the panel but she will sit way down the end where the light doesn't reach, so you may not know she's there.
If you want to be a TV footy commentator-guy you need many skills. You need to have a pleasant speaking voice so the audience will not get sick of listening to you, but when something exciting happens, you need to get a little growly in the mid-throat, like you are developing a productive cough and you need antibiotics. You also need to have a cruel, unfeeling heart, so if a footy player gets injured during a game, you can just say ''Pffff, just a tiny bump, probably an anterior cruciate ligament, he'll be all right'', even though the player is lying there with his knee wrapped around his neck, twice.
Most importantly, you need to be an expert at pen-twiddling: it can take years to learn how to do it properly - not to twiddle too distractingly, but enough to show you are familiar with pens and know how to hold one. Pen twiddling and tapping are a fundamental skill of the TV footy commentator, and those who can't do it usually end up on radio.


Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/opinion/soc...#ixzz23qBi2veT

[Hotdog60]

And those who are ugly and have a shitty voice write in the paper.

Sorry couldn't resist.