Helping newbies pick an AFL team to follow

[Dry Rot]

Two old dear friends of mine, ex-Sydneysiders, have recently returned from overseas and will end up living in Central Victoria. Cleary they need tp pick an AFL team to follow to be accepted into the community.

I offered to give them some advice, and this is the email I sent them. Do you agree with my analysis?



Hi XXX and XXXXX,

If you have chosen to live in Victoria, then you will have to pick an AFL team or otherwise be excluded from holding a driver’s licence, health care etc.

There are 18 teams in the comp, 10 from Victoria and 8 from interstate.

The interstate teams

It is perfectly respectable to come from interstate and continue to follow your original team. This, however, does not apply to you and if you chose to follow one of them then you would be regarded as very odd, like a paedophile, and treated accordingly. Fair enough too. Avoid.

Victorian teams to definitely avoid

Melbourne Demons

Recently cheated and are a bunch of pea-hearts. They are the toff’s team – they have small crowds because the members are all up at Mount Hotham in winter. Avoid.

North Melbourne Kangaroos

Really a team of no personality these days and their fans are paranoid that their team will be merged or relocated because they are poor and have few fans. They actually are poor and have few fans and likely to be merged or relocated, so not a long-term choice. Avoid.

Carlton Blues

Have a shocking record this century, significantly cheated earlier this century and have supporters like Frydenberg and John Elliot. Avoid. Scum.

Geelong Cats

Had the nickname of the handbaggers in the 90s, had some good success the century. Have an unlikeable coach and many unlikeable players but let’s face it, you don’t live in Geelong with your two headed children so forget it. Avoid.

St Kilda Saints

As discussed, they are not only the party team but also by far the most unsuccessful foundation VFL club, winning something like one wooden spoon every 4 years in the history of game. Going for them would set you up for a life of alcoholic dependency and despondency, punctuated by watching some good bands and nightclubbing. Avoid.

Essendon bombers

This was the team with the appalling performance enhancing drug scandal, worst in Australia’s history. Also the team of Peter Costello. While they have some hot female supporters, best to avoid. Scum.

Possible Victorian teams to support

Collingwood Magpies

The team of Eddie McGuire. They are also the team that everyone likes to hate. I don’t, but between the two of you have too many teeth and too many degrees and you would be quickly found out since you both also speak the Queens English. Probably not appropriate. You are born into Pies families, I think.

Hawthorn Hawks

Jeff Kennett’s team. Have the best coach in the comp and are always competitive. Fans are arrogant. There are two queries over them for you. The first is that they have been recently highly successful and you could be seen as band wagoners. The second is that the team colours are yellow and brown, also known by non-Hawthorn supporters as piss and poo, which means you would be wearing excrement. Still a reasonable choice I suppose.

Richmond Tigers

Like lots to like about the Tigers. They have a likeable coach, likeable players and they play an attractive style football. For decades, they have been unsuccessful until recently, winning two of the last three premierships. This begs a question similar to following Hawthorn i.e. you could be seen as bandwagoners. Also your dental work and lack of criminal records could work against you. Still a reasonable choice.

Western Bulldogs

The Doggies are many people’s second team. They come from Footscray, and have a very much struggling working class background. They won a fairy tale premiership in 2016. Have a likeable but slightly strange coach, who cuts his own hair and likes surfing and skateboard riding. They play an exciting style of attacking footy. Many say that their young exciting captain, Marcus Bontempelli looks like Jesus, and I think he probably is

At least this club has a real mascot, a very slow and overweight bulldog. One thing to consider is it that the Doggies play some games at Ballarat and are popular in the area you are thinking of living in. All round, a very good choice for you.

Look forward to hearing of your decision.
Cheers